General Writing Techniques
by clichebusters
Summary: How to write a story that won't make people barf. Includes everything that you need to know about saving your reputation as a sane author.
1. Foreword

-Foreword-

_Rudolph sat in a squashy armchair by a crackling fire. Eager Fanfiction authors huddled around him, clutching meager blankets of reviews next to their skin for warmth. The smallest, an adorable thirteen-year-old, piped up._

"_Master Rudolph, tell us the tale of how to write a non-nauseating story! Our reviews are all flames from a crazy pair of authors, the Cliché Busters!" she said, shivering._

"_It is a long, tiring tale, dearest. I will begin, however, in the hope that you may learn." Rudolph sighed, taking a long glance at the tapestries on the walls, some depicting American exchange students being killed by what looked like a review box._

"_Listen, my children, and you will hear the secrets…"_

_---.---.---.---.---.---.---_


	2. Chapter 1: Typos

General Writing Techniques

Applying to the Harry Potter FanFiction

Volume 1-Typos

There is an epidemic I have been noticing in "Fan Fiction", ravaging the (allegorical) golden plains of decent writing-the careless mistake. This "disease", so to speak, has reared its ugly, ugly head in many forms.

The first is the "TYPO." You may not have realized this, but TYPO is a marvelously clever acronym for TYping POop. This is exactly what a typo is-a spelling error, an extra comma, or something of the like. The simplest way to fix this problem is to use spell check, and to triple check your work. Here are some exercises to keep your typo-spotting skills sharp.

The wand flue out of Harrys hand and Draco caut it with a evil grinn.

What did you spot in Ex. 1? It was started off right-with a capital letter-but the third word is incorrectly spelled. "Flue" is actually a word that means a smoke or heat outlet, or a type of organ pipe. The correct spelling is "flew."

The next error is in our own hero's name-this is a possessive "s" and should be proceeded with an apostrophe. The next thing is actually optional-depending on the writer's preference, a comma may be inserted after "hand", however, the sentence is grammatically correct without it.

The third gaffe is in the tenth word of this messed up sentence. It is no more than a simple misspelling, and takes only a second to fix. "Caut" should be "Caught". The three last words contain two errors that I hope you've spotted- "a" should be changed to "an" because "evil" begins with a vowel sound. The last slip-up is the very last word-take off the one extra "n" and you will have successfully typo-proofed your sentence.

This is what the corrected sentence looks like:

The wand flew out of Harry's hand and Draco caught it with an evil grin.

For the record, and for everyone's amusement-

This iz wut ive scene setunses look lik. Ppl writ abut harrie and drako and hermyone witout even capatalising they're namz. This iznot what a paragrafshould lok lik.

Pick up ur wand, harry! Snape said harry piked up his wand and then drawped it and picked it up again in hishand He said Avada kedavra and almost killed snape but snape dodged it and then Killed harry but harry dodged it and came back to living yo Snape you helped Voldywort kill my mum now u gonna die harry said Snape stared back and harry killed him But snape dodged it and came Back to the living but Then he had a heart Attack and died from Clogged arteries harry said YEAH and then went to Make out with some hot american Exchange stoodent

I'm going to make this story all better-delete it. If your writing looks like that, hang yourself.

Nice work, eh? The last thing I want to address is the use of the words "Your" and "You're".

"Your" refers to an item belonging to someone, i.e.-

Your robes smell like a dead cat, Ron.

"You're" is a contraction for the words 'You' and 'Are', as used here-

You're in need of some deodorant, Ron, or perhaps Febreeze.

One last thought before I urge you to review with your successes of trying my infallible method, though-TYping POop can make or break a story. Remember that, and you will do fine.

-Rudy


	3. Chapter 2: Language and Such

General Writing Techniques

Applying to the Harry Potter FanFiction

Volume 2: Vulgarity and Citrus

No one likes a potty mouth. No one likes a kiss and tell. So, why is it that these kinds of FanFictions are so popular? The answer evades me, but I can tell you that these kinds of overly raunchy, explicit Fics are never worthwhile. This is the second symptom of the careless mistake plague- lewd, explicit, hideously written stories. Most of the time, the author is so busy being "cool" by swearing like an intoxicated Irishman or…well, we won't get into that. I'm not defending these stories, I'm degrading them.

I _will_ try out a story before I flame/review it, because I think every story has the potential to be okay. There have been times I wish I would have never laid eyes on a story, and these are usually the circumstances.

Section 1: Language

If you are a 300 pound man from Kentucky who just chugged a bottle of Jack Daniel's and then got into a fight in some tavern on the outskirts of town, excessive language is expected from you. It is what you do; it is in your blood. It's the language "yer paw tawght yuh" and you have come to know and respect it.

I would love to say you're not alone, but I try not to lie.

Unless you are the man I just described, excessive language will not "spice up" your story, it will not "liven up" the dialogue…it will push the characters, well, out of character, and will serve only to make you look crude and heathen-like, which is not a good thing.

However, the occasional profanity can be warranted-Rowling herself uses "damn" in moderation. Don't misunderstand me and think I'm saying that when your main character cuts their hand off in Potions I think you should have them say, "Golly gee, that TICKLED like the DICKENS! (giggle)" But a line such as, "!#$$&!&$#!&" may be a bit heavy-handed on the "sentence enhancers", as Patrick the Starfish once said.

Section 2: Citrus

I've heard oversexed scenes referred to as lemon, lime, and such; hence the category "Citrus." These plot-less, 'lets-see-how-detailed-we-can-be' stories seem to sneak up on you. You'll be reading along, and like a Mercedes off of an overpass, BAM, some disgusting scene comes in and ruins it.

Honestly, though, if your stories are like that, I don't even want to think about what your life must be like. Either you're a middle-aged man with pattern-baldness stealing what little hair you have left, or you're some sex addict with a laptop. Either way, it's not necessary.

Yet again, don't take this too literally and think I'm saying a kiss or a hug is some sort of unrighteous, nauseating thing-in fact, a tasteful, sweet kiss can mean more than seventy sex scenes ever could. It can really bring meaning into a story, but if everybody's kissing everybody, you've lost it.

One final thought-I'm not your Mom, your pastor, or your god. I can't tell you what to do, but stuff like this is just wrong. It's obvious, guys and ladies-you can't deep-down-honestly tell me that you didn't know that. Besides, I've read only one M-rated story that was worth my time, and anyone with sense is going to steer clear of stories like this. Oh, and by the by, I meant no disrespect to the Irish or to the Kentuckians. I'm sure (seeing as how I know quite a few of both ethnicities) that they would understand my sentiments as a poke in the stomach and not some crude generalization.

-Rudy


	4. Chapter 3: In Character or Not?

General Writing Techniques

Applying to the Harry Potter FanFiction

Volume 3: An In-Character Cast

My least favorite mistake, next to good ol' TYping POop, is the out-of-character Draco. This happens mostly in stories where he falls madly in love with Hermione Granger and turns into some sweet, caring, gallant boyfriend. This indicator of the disease _Carelessae Mistakeae _can happen with any character-a timid, passive Harry; a sex goddess Hermione, or a likable Pansy Parkinson.

Section 1: Harry

As the most important character in the books, I think it is only reasonable to address Mr. Potter first. There are three different kinds of Harry I've noticed dominating the FanFictions:

**The In-Character Harry-**

A) Traits:

-Courageous

-Reserved

-Slightly quiet

-Not prone to too much irrational behavior

-Powerful, or is it just lucky?

-Occasionally funny, but not the class clown type

-Likable but not overly friendly

-Smart but not intellectual

B) Things he is likely to do:

-Mess up a potion

-Use his invisibility cloak to talk to Hagrid

-Get a tissue for Christmas

C) Allies:

-Hermione & Ron

-Teachers (sans Snape) and Dumbledore

-Hagrid

-Most of Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, and Ravenclaw

D) Adversaries:

-Slytherin in general

-He-who-must-not-be-named

-Draco, Crabbe, Goyle in particular

**Harry Pothead-**

Traits:

-Has none, as the author was too wasted/stoned/high to know what a character trait is

B) Things he is likely to do:

-Nothing with a point or a plot, as the author was too busy drinking to know what a plot is

C) Allies:

-Mary Sues

-Ron & Hermione, if they exist

D) Adversaries:

-Uhhhh…is that the word that means enemies? NO, WE CAN'T USE THAT! IT MAY VERY WELL ADD A PLOT OR A STORY LINE! AAAAH!

**The Mary Sue's Boyfriend (Oh what's his name again…OH! That's right! It's Harry!...Wait, maybe it's Hans…)**

Traits:

-Exists purely for the Mary Sue to toy around with

-Passive

-Quiet

-Amazing at all that he does

-OMG, HE'S SO…LYKE, HAWT!

B) Things he is likely to do:

-Snog Mary Sue

-Win the Quidditch match

-Skip classes to go buy Mary Sue something nice and expensive

-Ask Mary Sue to go to Hogsmeade with him

C) Allies:

-Mary Sue

D) Enemies:

-Anyone and everyone the Mary Sue doesn't like

The next character that is often butchered for the sake of FanFiction is Draco Malfoy. There are two kinds that I've seen-

**In-Character Draco**

A) Traits

-Haughty

-Self-serving

-Intelligent

-Irritable

-Malicious

-Impatient

B) Things he is likely to do:

-Suck up to teachers

-Brag

-Buy a new-and-improved-wow-that's-great whatever

-Primp

C) Allies:

-Slytherin in general

-Snape

-Anyone who will be bribed with a sizeable amount of his father's money-or with their lives.

D) Adversaries:

-Harry, Ron, Hermione. He will never date any of them, good god.

-Gryffindor in general

**The "feeds-off-of-Mary-Sue-or-Hermione" Draco**

Traits:

-Exists to make the Mary Sue look wonderful

-Sweet and caring

-A lot like his Harry counterpart

-Sometimes secretive (NO ONE CAN KNOW OF OUR SECRET LOVE!)

-Clingy

B) Things he is likely to do:

-Send Mary/Hermione a mushy love letter

-Snog Mary/Hermione

-Things the Mary-Sue dependent Harry would

C) Allies:

-Mary Sue/Hermione and her friends, excluding Harry/Ron if that is the case

D) Enemies:

-Anyone the Mary/Hermione doesn't like

The third character that I think gets put so far out of character it's nauseating would be Hermione. I'm only going to put the in-character version because the butcherings are as varied as the cuts of meat at a Meating house. They usually smell like a Meating house too.

Traits:

-Smart

-Hardworking

-Intellectual

-Semi-reserved

-Not overly pretty (or ugly)

B) Allies:

-Ron

-Harry

-Gryffindor, Hufflepuff in general

-A few Ravenclaws

C) Enemies:

-Slytherins

-Malfoy. With a passion that will keep them from EVER going out. EVER.

D) Things she's likely to do:

-Study

-Ace a test

-Watch Quidditch

So, there you have it. Three snapshots of people I love so much that get butchered so ruthlessly. It's a shame, really. The in-character stories go so much deeper and end up SO much better. So, use this little guide and what common sense you have to save yourself from our wrath.

-Rudy


	5. Chapter 4: MARY SUE

General Writing Techniques

Pertaining to the Harry Potter FanFiction

Volume 4: Mary Sues (SHUDDER)

You all knew this was coming. Mary Sues are one of the ugliest blots on the tapestry that is the FanFiction flag, a banner raised high above the battlegrounds of warring flamers, authors, and authors who are part time flamers, like me. This is the average Mary Sue Fic, or at least an excerpt.

Kelly Smith Comes to Hogwarts

By: Tweenie-BopperIluvHarry709

Kelly Smith jumped up with her team. "OMG, guys! We won Super-big-grand-nationals! And it was all me and my seventy kills!" Kelly giggled and went to the locker room change out of her volleyball uniform into a pair of Seven7 jeans with diamonds she owned inlayed on the belt, Gucci halter top with an opal and 24 carat platinum necklace and Prada heels. Her hair, naturally pearlescent lavender, shimmered as it cascaded over her back. She walked into the gym and screaming fans lifted her up. _If only Mum and Dad were still here_…she thought. Her parents had died tragically and heroically, and all their money and power was transferred for no apparent reason to her.

She got a letter from Hogwarts, and flew over there from New York immediately. She would be starting in her fourth year, because she was so late getting in.

The plane landed and she apparated onto platform 9 and 3/4. She got on the bus and sat next to Harry Potter. They got to talking, and ended up snogging right there. When the trolley lady came by, Harry bought her a cauldron cake. She ate it and then went back to snogging Harry. Once the train arrived at Hogwarts, she went into the dormitories after snogging Harry a fond farewell. She had been automatically sorted into Gryffindor, because the Sorting Hat was so proud of her bravery. She went to her class, and on the way, she dropped a pen. Before it hit the ground, she pulled out her pure diamond wand and stopped it, with a well-aimed spell. Some jerk bumped into her from the back, and her bag fell. The guy who had bumped into her was Draco, and he picked it up for her, and the moment their eyes met, they knew it was love. They made out in the hallway there, and after class, they went to Hogsmeade.

When O.W.L.'s rolled around, Kelly got the best grade in the school on hers, and Draco and her had a victory snog. "OMG, Draco, you're so dead sexy. Let's run off and join the Ministry. You can become the Minister, and I'll be your dead sexy wife, and we can have 6 amazingly talented kids named Kelli, Kellie, Kelly Jo, Drake, Drake-o, and Jim, who will be our cactus-son!"

Draco said yes and then they did all that and then their kids grew up to be really talented and played Quidditch for big teams and saved the world.

The end.

Look, I could rant about Mary Sues for the majority of my existence, but I'm going to leave you with these warning signs to know if your story contains a Mary Sue.

The main character is an exchange student from the USA.

The main character is perfect.

The main character is smarter than Hermione.

There is no plot.

Chapters really don't exist. It's all just one big maze of words.

You are a 40 year old man who is 5' 7" and weighs as much as a newborn blue whale.

The main character has had some tragic run-in with Dark Magic earlier in life.

Other characters exist to satisfy the Sue's desires. Everything revolves around her.

Stay alert. I may just need to flame you.

-Rudy


	6. Chapter 5: Fluff

General Writing Techniques

Applying to the Harry Potter FanFiction

Volume 5: Romance vs. Fluff

A/N: I hate author's notes-they disrupt the flow of what you're writing, but one is really needed here. This is going to be written by my sister, who has her own account (pippagethetook01), because, as the girl, she's more…mushy, and stuff.

-Rudolph-o

Seeing as how I have already been introduced, I'll just proceed into the beauty, sappiness, and full frontal snogfests that are all part of the one topic my brother is too macho to discuss.

Welcome to Romance: the seminar about the balance between your two characters that are in (sweet, sweet) love. In most situations, these will be your two main characters, and the romance is the only plot in the story.

Well, if that must be the case, you have to do this justice. I know there are bunches of little fluffy stories out there with no plot other than:

How many sex scenes can I fit into a one-shot?

Does he/she like me?

So what I'm saying is that if you don't want my brother (if you haven't figured it out yet, that would be Rudolph) to flame you, follow these guidelines.

Part A: FLUFF

Ron and Hermione

By: supersexieslytherin007

Hermione walked into the Great Hall. Ron was shoveling food into his mouth and Harry waved and asked her to sit next to them. "Hi guys," she said, as she said down and started complaining about her homework and how she would have to skip meals to get it done.

Ron listened to her talk, gazing into the chocolate orbs of her eyes.

_Stupid song_

_That doesn't have anything to do with the story_

_Other than the fact that it makes me want to vomit_

_And that it says something about love somewhere…_

Hermione was trying to focus on what she was saying, but she couldn't tear her eyes off of Ron's ocean blue spherical nerve bundles compiled of pupil, cornea, retina, and iris.

_More stupid song_

_About love or something like that_

_Touchy-feely like swallowing a teddy bear_

_Or petting a week-old golden retriever…_

Ron looked away and blushed. Hermione did too. Then, suddenly, they kissed each other on the cheek, and then they made out right there in the Great Hall.

"I didn't know you felt that way!" They both said after the snogfest. But it was all okay, because this is just a one-shot fluff and the only people who enjoy reading it are 11 year old girls with posters of Orlando Bloom plastered on their lockers.

The (sappy, mushy, grossly stupid, long-awaited) end.

You may have noticed there were little or no spelling errors, punctuation errors, or grammatical mistakes. There usually aren't, but don't ask me why, I'm really not sure. If you're going to write a fluff, don't post it. They're stupid, plot-less stories that are written to satisfy the person's loveless life. And isn't that sad?

The worst fluff is DEFINETELY the Hermione/Ron, because it's not only fluff, it's cliché. And that's totally not cool.

The other example may be better classified as lemon, but I think it also counts as fluff to a certain extent-the "Mayflies in mating season" kind, where everybody sleeps with everybody.

Ripped

By: harrysslut

Lavender walked into the common room, pulling down her shirt in the front to reveal a good amount of cleavage, which the insane author will usually elaborate on. Harry looked up with just enough time to enjoy the view and stood up and put his hand on Lavender's shoulder. She turned around, and for no reason, they made out, then took it up to one of the dormitories and had wild, passionate sex for the entire night, which the author will tell us all the intricate details about. Then, Lavender did the same thing with Ron, Neville, Draco, all the staff, and random other characters including Mrs. Norris.

The End

This is the mindless "two sentences I could read to my mom" story that you really wish you'd never read.

So, Doctor Pippage, what is the cure for this disease? I have to say that if you're going to make a romance story that you want to be a good Fanfic, shoot for at least five chapters. Also, don't make the romance the main point of the story. You're just gonna look stupid, because Harry Potter itself is not a romance book. Do you get what I'm saying? If you're doing a fanfic from some Nicholas Sparks story, the romance should be the main point, but not in Harry Potter. Get it? Got it? Good.

So, the guidelines I mentioned earlier are as follows:

-If there are less than 5 sentences you could read to your pastor, perhaps you should (ahem) go a little lighter on the details, eh?

-If the story's plot is hanging on the question, "DOES HE/SHE LIKE ME?" delete your story and then shoot yourself.

-When all your reviews are from the cliché busters telling you that it's a worthless, sappy fic, believe them. Or me. I may be out to get you!

Thanks, and to all you tweenie-boppers with laptops, don't make us flame you.

-Pippage, AKA Kara Gretel Rhinehardt


	7. Chapter 6: Angst

General Writing Techniques

Appling to the Harry Potter FanFiction

Volume 6: Angst

Angst can be a very emotional tool-used well, it can really take a story places, and improperly used, it will make you sound like a whiny seventh grader who just broke up with her boyfriend of three weeks.

Since I have much more enjoyment out of parodying (that IS a word) bad angst than actually writing some good stuff-check out Violet Spark's "Of Princes and Knights," including an in-character Harry!

There's nothing more emotional than a well-done death. I've read many a story where people are dying for no reason, here and there, and I like to refer to this as the FanFiction Black Death- we have no idea why they're dying, and it seems to be highly contagious. This is what I'm talking about.

Despair

By: theforgotten1

Harry dropped his wand. He fell down and died. Voldemort laughed. Then he killed Ron. Ron fell down and died. Voldemort laughed. Hermione started crying. Voldemort killed her and then laughed. An adorable puppy pranced by. Voldemort didn't kill him because Voldemort likes dogs. An adorable kitten walked by. Voldemort killed it because he doesn't like cats. Harry came back to life and killed Voldemort and then killed the dog because Harry is really evil. But the dog was invincible and it killed Harry. Mary-Sue Smith was watching this and she went home and cried and pulled out a knife and killed herself. Then the dog ate dinner and went home.

THE END

I hate these stories because they make death a tool to get reviews (or flames from ME…). Death is to be handled very carefully. A helpful hint is to count how many people are dying. This is not Auschwitz during WWII, thank God, and if you've got more than a few deaths in your story, perhaps it should be put in the Horror section.

The other reason I hate these stories is because of the other predominant type: the "OMFG, HE BROKE UP WITH ME, I'M GOING TO DIE":

Love and Loss

By: XdarkXtweenieXbopperX

Ginny looked at her desk. _I love you Ginny, it's just that we need to see other people…_

She tried to find something sharp. _Ginny, I'll love you forever._

She picked up a calligraphy pen's tip. _Ginny, I'll love you until the day I die._

She smiled mirthlessly as the blood dripped out slowly, crying as Draco's words bounced through her head. _We're made for each other; can't you see how much I love you?_

THE END

You may have noted how this was not a badly written story-just really, really dumb. Nobody with half a brain nearly commits suicide when they break up. Look, I've been in seventh grade already. No…MORE…

But at the same time, cutting is too serious a problem to be taken lightly-perhaps review-thirsty FanFiction authors should keep their hands off.

The one kind of angst (that can be seen in "Of Princes and Knights") that can make a good story is a deep, dark feeling-not of utter hopelessness, but more of loss and grief and such.

Now that I'm feeling really depressed, I'll leave you with a final question: Is your story Bunker Hill or the Alamo?

Okay, so, I know that that wonderful analogy will be lost on many if I don't explain it. Bunker Hill, at the beginning of the American Revolution, was ruled a British victory. However, American troops fought so valiantly and caused so many enemy casualties that it was quite bittersweet. That is the good kind of angst. It's not hopeless, just sad for the present moment.

The Alamo, during the Mexican-American war, was a massacre of around 200 American troops by 2500 Mexican regulars. It was, most definitely, a bravely fought battle, but every one of the American troops died. If your story is like this-hopeless from the beginning-then it needs to be brightened up.

There. American History 101. You're welcome.

-Rudy


	8. Chapter 7: Ratings

General Writing Techniques

General Writing Techniques

Applying to the Harry Potter FanFiction

Volume 7: How to Rate a Story. Really, it's not this Hard!

Normally, I would call this nit-picky, but after a few incidences of horrible ratings, I've decided to grace you all with one more chapter of General Writing Techniques. That's right.

So, let me tell you a bit of what happened to me.

I was browsing the "Just-In" menagerie, when a story caught my eye. Rated T for mild language and slight sexual references, it said. Now, kids, may I remind you that I'm not against a little well used profanity, and if the sexual references were fitting to the story, I'm all for it. The summary sounded interesting (I won't write it, half because I don't remember it and half because I don't want some author up my butt about it), so I checked it out.

I'm reading along, and the author drops an F-bomb in dialogue. I had to wonder if the story was really properly rated. But I went on, hopeful that there was some good story in there somewhere.

None, I might add. Boring story.

I keep reading, being the gallant soldier of all fic-dom that I am, and I get smacked in the face with about fifteen "fck"'s in about five paragraphs.

I began to lose hope in the author. Not only was the story crappy, but there are little kids on the site! I am here to be their protector, and ask you idiots to at least RATE YOUR STORIES correctly!

So, Rudy, you're asking me, after making us sit through that boring monologue, are you going to give us something worthwhile, or are you not even going to replace the brain cells of ours you just killed?

And the answer to that is:

Rating a Story

The fun way to look out for the little kids on !

Hello, authors! I'm Rudy, your guide to rating your fics! Here are a few basics you'll need to remember for the test on Friday! Remember, it's worth 25 of your final grade!

The ratings:

K- Means "I could read this to my mom without blushing once, and she would make me a cookie for writing such a clean story!"

If you are going to rate your story as such, it must have ZERO offensive language, drug/alcohol use, sexual references…anything. It should be PBS-worthy.

K+- Means "I could read this to my mom but I wouldn't get a cookie!"

K+ is the equivalent of PG. Keep it clean, but you can add more adult themes in moderation, perhaps a darker storyline, stuff like that.

T- Means "I don't wanna read this to my mom, but I'd rather do that than die!"

PG-13, style. Here's where things get a little tricky. As far as language goes, anything more than 1 f-word merits a 'M' rating. Sex may be mentioned but not…explained. There can be mild drug/alcohol use. Violence is permitted to the Lord of the Rings level. No Patriot yet.

M- Means "My mom would ground me until I was 21 if I read this to her!"

The explicit, the grotesque, the adult. Welcome to the banned book section. Basically, anything too (insert offense here) for T gets shoved in here. People are dying and you know exactly why. They're also pregnant and you were pretty much there at conception. They're doing drugs up the wazoo and you might as well be the dealer.

So, kids, in closing, be smart. There's nothing that makes someone look stupider than a badly rated story.

Or a bunch of typos.

Or plaid pants.

It depends.

-Rudy


End file.
